Abandonment
This Friday I am flying to Nicaragua to visit my Nica family and
friends that I met there two summers ago. After a week there, I will fly to
Guatemala to stay with a new host family for a month and, if it is anything
like my experience in Nicaragua, I will meet some incredible people that love
Jesus.
As I prepare to leave, I have been praying
and thinking about a lot of things: self, society, culture, abandonment,
brokeness... the "meaning of life"... you know... deep stuff. During
this time, I have been reading Kingdom
Journeys by Seth Barnes. On the topic of abandonment Barnes writes,
"As a part of
the abandonment process, God asks us to give up control and remain open to new
things. We leave as an act of obedience so we can learn to depend more on God,
allowing Him to increase our spiritual vision. Jesus said that when the eyes
are healthy, the whole body is full of light (Luke 11:34). Abandonment causes
our eyes to open wide.”
This idea of abandonment caused me to think about the things in my
life that would be the hardest to abandon. What would bring me out of my comfort
zone and cause me to be truly dependent on God? There are obviously many things,
but in prayer and thoughtfulness one main thing stood out to me: My appearance.
I blush just typing it… Ugh, how superficial. Some people may say food or
clothing or family, but for me, it’s makeup. Let me explain…
My close friends know that I have a tight grip on my makeup—or
maybe it has a tight grip on me? Although over the years I have gotten better
about my level of discomfort when I am not wearing makeup, I can say with 100%
certainty that there has never been a day (A SINGLE DAY) of high school (including
every summer band camp), college, or my teaching career that I have ever shown up
without my makeup being fully done. Even if we are going swimming, I will
probably be applying waterproof mascara. And if not, I will be constantly
fighting the need to leave my sunglasses on the entire time to not unveil my mascara-free
eyelashes.
So there it is, the depth of my insecurity and superficiality:
unmasked.
So as a part of abandonment, as I pack this Friday, I am prepared
to leave all of my makeup, my hair dryer, my straightener, and all other beauty
products behind. I will be in Central America and they will be in Roopville.
All of my “necessary” items—left behind.
Why do I feel the onset of hyperventilation? It’s just a bag of stuff.
Or is it? No, it’s much more than that. It’s a cover. With one swipe I can hide
any blemishes. With a few strokes I can totally change what is natural. I can
cover what is natural with something that feels better.
But then again, I cover myself with other things, too. Don’t we
all? We say, “Let me tell you about my job, my new car, my education, my
Instagram followers, my success, my big house, my retirement account.” Are all
of these things not a cover? A cover insulating us from the truth…
The truth: I am weak.
We create this façade of self-sufficiency, as if we are the
creators and keepers of all our success and wealth and skill. Why should we
need anything else when we are so powerful? We hear it our whole lives:
“You can be whatever you want to be.”
“You can do whatever you set your mind to.”
“Make your dreams come true.”
“She thought she could, so she did.”
Are we not persistently covering ourselves in the illusion of
self-sufficiency? The Bible tells us that we are not self-sufficient. God is
our strength:
“God is our refuge and strength…”
“The Lord is my strength and my shield…”
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The
Lord, the Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”
(Psalm 46:1, Psalm 28:7, Isaiah 12:2)
So if we are not self-sufficient, then where do we turn? And what
is sufficient? Second Corinthians 12:9 says, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Our Weakness
Have you ever been broken? Completely empty. Deflated. Have you
come to the realization yet that you are broken? I think it is in that brokenness
that we see our true selves and God’s true strength. For me, brokenness has
surfaced in the loss of my Dad, financial reliance on God, and moments when I
have chosen my own path rather than God’s and have experienced the emptiness
that results. The blessing of brokenness is not always apparent during the
struggle itself, but I have grown to see these moments of brokenness as
beautiful times of richness with God. Barnes writes,
“We usually learn to depend on God when we have to do so. When you’ve
got nothing to lose, it’s easier to turn to Him… At the point where God is all
you have, He will become all you need.”
Have you experienced brokenness? If not, do you feel coddled by a
false sense of security? What is your cover? What do you need to be prepared to
leave?
So please pray for me and for yourself and others, that we might
experience brokenness and understand what we should be preparing to leave.
